“You should.” – “You must.” – A good tradition?

A tradition? Yes, indeed. And one that has been handed down and carried on for countless generations.

Who doesn’t know it – I should, she or he should be tidier, more hard-working, stronger or sportier. The brother of “should” is never far away and is called “must”. In our performance-driven society he gets plenty of chances to have his say. I must tidy up and clean, finish my work, get good marks at school, get my qualification, start a family.

With these indoctrinated inner dialogues we usually put ourselves under constant pressure. The stress this causes makes us ill sooner or later. The so-called diseases of civilisation such as depression, burnout or ADHD are only the tip of the iceberg. A large proportion of physical illnesses are also emotionally caused and can often be traced back to time pressure, pressure to perform and stress.

Where do these destructive patterns begin? How can we change them?

When we think in terms of “should” and “must”, there is no inner freedom simply to “be allowed to be”. Inner freedom is an innate, natural need and brings us relaxation, regeneration and recovery. Yet our conditioning is largely trained towards recognition from outside. And even the recognition we do receive often cannot be accepted and is never enough for us.

The quest for recognition and love seems to go on endlessly, because love and recognition are always coupled with performance. Why are we not lovable simply because we are in the world? After all, a baby is loved without having achieved anything first.

Conditioning around performance and love begins just a few months into our existence. Early on we learn that being good and quiet earns more love and recognition from our parents than being loud and wilful. Then comes enrolment in nursery school. Are performance and certain behaviour not regularly steered there by the teachers’ praise, and deviations by their reproach? Are we not then confronted at school with competition, social pressure and recognition, as well as control by authorities? Is something similar not the norm at university – as in most professions? Our constant striving for recognition is therefore a logical consequence of our experiences.

Is it fair to ask: “Am I really in the world to fulfil other people’s expectations?”

Is it not much more about developing myself as an individual? To become an individual, I need to recognise that I am unique and therefore not comparable. Comparing oneself with others usually leads to stress in itself, because you will always find someone who is better, more popular or more successful.

The feeling of not being good enough and not being all right automatically throws us off balance. The task is to create our own thoughts, independent of the norms and values of the collective. Going our own way, independently of others, gives each of us the strength to be individual without hesitation. One way to get there is to question everything we have so far regarded as given and indispensable.

We are all unique, special and lovable in our own way. It is precisely this uniqueness that makes life exciting.

P.S.: The only exception to this passing-on that I know of are some indigenous peoples: they have not adopted this tradition.

I have been a member of GAIA since the spring of this year. I am happy to pass on my knowledge, my topics and my many years of experience as a coach and therapist. I very much welcome feedback and comments.

Let us live our true potential and change the times with it.

I work in the Vienna area, among other places. To arrange a personal conversation or to work through personal issues, I am available on +43 660 6064228 or by email (in German).